This cosmic question seems to come up more often now that I am out of college and living on my own. Often, I think I have the answer nailed down. That I know where I want to go in life and that I understand who I am. Each time it comes up, I find that it opens up a part of me or bring a new piece of me to light that I hadn't considered or addressed. It can be little things that trigger this self discovery, but nonetheless questions arise. What does this mean? Does this change who I am now? Will this change my future? Will I forget my past? Will certain things up until this become less valuable?
Forgetting my past and things becoming less valuable have come up as I begin to explore more of my Korean heritage. I am proud to say that I was raised in Idaho and that I grew up in Lewiston. Sure, there are things I would change about my childhood if I could, but my childhood was full of wonderful things and wonderful people. All who were...very caucasion. I have to throw that out there, because I'm addressing a race issue in exploring my Korean side. I have many "white" tendancies for lack of a better term. I am Korean on the outside, but extremely white on the inside. My friends like to joke that I am a banana or twinkie.
When I went to Korea I still felt out of place...not because I didn't understand many of the Korean traditions, but because I'm super white on the inside and Korean on the outside. For once, I looked like everyone else. But while I was there, I felt even more out of place.
I want to explore my Korean heratige...I would like to speak conversational Korean and understand the people and the history more. I worry at times, that because I have this desire to know more, that this will mean I'll forget where I come from. Or that the things that my parents have passed down to me and taught me will be pushed the wayside. I worry that that's how it will seem to my family.
Someone asked me once where I would feel the most comfortable. Where would I feel like I fit in? I had no idea. I still have no idea. I tried so hard when I was younger to blend in...I didn't like sticking out and I didn't like all the attenion that being Korean brought. I just wanted to be Karen. Nothing else...I didn't want ot be known as that Korean girl, that Asian girl...Paul's little sister, the girl who's good at math, the one who plays piano or whatever label was thrown at me. I just wanted to be known as Karen.
I find that often this desire of wanting to be known can't be fulfilled in the way I envision it in my head. There is no person on this earth that could begin to comprehend who all of Karen is; the Karen I see vs the Karen you see. Each person has a different relationship to me and therefore has a different understanding of me. The tip of an iceberg is probably the best visual example of what I'm trying to explain. Underneath the water is where the rest of me is hiding. And yet...I don't want to be underneath the water.
Who I am. Well, I do know for sure that I am on an endless journey. I have learned that whatever self discovery I have done so far...cannot compare to the amount of things I will learn about myself down the road. Karen is a multitude of things. Just like everyone else. If we must use lables, I am a twinkie. I am an injured athlete. I'm a foodie. I am Korean. I am American. I am dense. I love logic and reason. I value those two things over emotions and intuitiveness. The list could go on and on....and yet the list would hardly begin to describe me. You try making a list of things about yourself that you like or wish people would see. It's not so easy, is it?
Who then is left to know me? Who can know that there's so much more under the water. Right now I have but one choice. I don't think there are any others and I don't think I'm wrong.
Where am I going from here? I am learning Korean through Rosetta Stone. I read books and at times I like to feel like I know what it's like to be culturally Korean. In reality, I don't. I have nothing to compare the things I learn with what I currently know. What a frustrating place to be...But this is what self discovery is all about right? There aren't standards when you discover yourself. You just uncover different things...and then change based on the standards of the type of person you want to be at the end of the day. So maybe this post isn't just about who I am and Where am I going. But also, who do I want to be.
Who do I want to be? I'll have to think about this a bit more and get back to you...
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Who I am
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The Week
What a fun and long week! I'm excited for this next one too. Last weekend I went out for Korean BBQ with a group of friends. I've never grilled before, but it was a lot of fun. I can't wait to have Laura come over from Spokane so we can grill together. :)
My parents also sent me some beautiful lillies this week. It was a bit of a surprise to not have any blooming when they arrived, but I guess that means I just get to enjoy them for a little while longer. I tihnk lillies are one of my favorite flowers.
On Friday night I went to see South Pacific at the 5th Ave Theater downtown with my parents. I didn't really remember a lot about South Pacific, but it was a cute play. I think for 1949 it was a very forward thinking play due to the way it confronted people's views on mixed race couples and families. I loved the fact that this Frenchman had polynesian children who spoke French. Apperances aren't everything right? It reminds me of the time I was eating lunch on top of QA at one of the parks and a lady started talking louder and slower to me. It was a bit startling for me and quite confusing. Ah well, there's no such thing as a perfect world.
Yesterday, was Valentine's Day at the zoo. The zoo keepers put out treats for all the animals at different points during the day. Upon entry, we were given a list of times that the different animals would be given their treats. The first stop was the Golden Tamarins in the Tropical Rainforest building. They had strawberry slices and other fruits to munch on. Next was the snow leopards. I've never seen them so active! And by active, I mean up and moving around. In the end they didn't do much to their valentines, bugt at least they were up and moving. There were two pinatas of treats and a bag full of grass and something else. One cat just rubbed it's head all over the grass bag. The other two got one of the pinatas down to rip open. The pinatas were shaped like a flower and a strawberry. Apparently, there was an incident last year involving an Elmo pinata of sorts. For some reason the zoo keepers didn't have anything so they stuffed Elmo full of chicken bones and other raw meat. Elmo was ripped to shreds and the little children did not like that. HAHA! There was screaming and apparently a girl asked her mommy, "Is Elmo going to be okay?" I think someone responded by saying Elmo was so dead. Poor scarred children.
I think the best animal valentine was the Orangutans. There were jello hearts attached to the glass windows and little treats and decorations left all over there exhibit. One swung around to eat all the jello hearts...even sucking them off the window; not even bothering to peel the jello hearts off the wall. Another one just grabbed all the tissue paper balls full of popcorn. It was so entertaining to hear everyone laugh. It was great fun, it sure would be fun to go again next year to see more of the animals. A day at the zoo is always good for the soul.
My parents also sent me some beautiful lillies this week. It was a bit of a surprise to not have any blooming when they arrived, but I guess that means I just get to enjoy them for a little while longer. I tihnk lillies are one of my favorite flowers.
On Friday night I went to see South Pacific at the 5th Ave Theater downtown with my parents. I didn't really remember a lot about South Pacific, but it was a cute play. I think for 1949 it was a very forward thinking play due to the way it confronted people's views on mixed race couples and families. I loved the fact that this Frenchman had polynesian children who spoke French. Apperances aren't everything right? It reminds me of the time I was eating lunch on top of QA at one of the parks and a lady started talking louder and slower to me. It was a bit startling for me and quite confusing. Ah well, there's no such thing as a perfect world.
Yesterday, was Valentine's Day at the zoo. The zoo keepers put out treats for all the animals at different points during the day. Upon entry, we were given a list of times that the different animals would be given their treats. The first stop was the Golden Tamarins in the Tropical Rainforest building. They had strawberry slices and other fruits to munch on. Next was the snow leopards. I've never seen them so active! And by active, I mean up and moving around. In the end they didn't do much to their valentines, bugt at least they were up and moving. There were two pinatas of treats and a bag full of grass and something else. One cat just rubbed it's head all over the grass bag. The other two got one of the pinatas down to rip open. The pinatas were shaped like a flower and a strawberry. Apparently, there was an incident last year involving an Elmo pinata of sorts. For some reason the zoo keepers didn't have anything so they stuffed Elmo full of chicken bones and other raw meat. Elmo was ripped to shreds and the little children did not like that. HAHA! There was screaming and apparently a girl asked her mommy, "Is Elmo going to be okay?" I think someone responded by saying Elmo was so dead. Poor scarred children.
I think the best animal valentine was the Orangutans. There were jello hearts attached to the glass windows and little treats and decorations left all over there exhibit. One swung around to eat all the jello hearts...even sucking them off the window; not even bothering to peel the jello hearts off the wall. Another one just grabbed all the tissue paper balls full of popcorn. It was so entertaining to hear everyone laugh. It was great fun, it sure would be fun to go again next year to see more of the animals. A day at the zoo is always good for the soul.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas
Merry Christmas! I know, it's Christmas Eve and the strange thing is...it doesn't really feel like Christmas. You know...the way it felt when you were a kid. The rush and thrill of presents, snow, food and family. It's a different kind of rush. Christmas snuck up on me this year. All the sun and warm weather in Seattle has kind of messed with me. In spite of that, I am excited to see my family this weekend. I'll get to see family and friends...what a great Christmas. If that's all I got, I would be satisfied. Winter break starts now! :)
Cheers!
Cheers!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Computer Stuff
I've done it! I've finally convinced my Grandma to upgrade her computer to Windows 7. It's amazing to see how people respond to technology. My job is to help people learn how to use technology to make their lives just that much easier...be more productive, take less time...be less frustrated at the end of the day. I always seem to be teaching at times when the person has hit panic mode. In this case with my Grandma, she had no clue her computer was taking its last steps.
I used to think that I wanted to be a teacher. Many people told me I'm great with kids and have a natural gift for teaching and explaining things. Maybe that's true...maybe it's not. I have spent a lot of time in the classroom, but sometimes I wonder about my patience level. I can easily get frustrated when I need to explain things over and over to the same person. Maybe teaching isn't my cup of tea. On the other hand...explaining something to someone so they can understand how something functions and seeing their reaction is incredible. At the end of the day, I love my work.
My Grandma is nearing 80 and I'm amazed at her progress. She sends emails, scans pictures and does nearly everything the average computer user does. When I told her I was able to find her a free computer (new to her, but three years old) she was elated! Excited enough that she decided to buy a new keyboard. :) So, I'm spending my Thanksgiving weekend working, but it's well worth the few hours on my part to make sure my Grandma can do everything she wants and needs to do on her computer. Windows 7 is certainly going to be a learning curve (she's prepared herself by purchasing a Windows 7 for Dummies book), but in the end I think she will be happier.
Her response is a reminder that while people may not show me that same response at work, that it doesn't mean I didn't do my work well or that I didn't resolve their problems or answer all their questions. It's important to teach no matter what field you're in. No one is intuitive and you can't expect anyone to know exactly what's going on. And if you've been explaining things over and over, then it's time to change tactics. Maybe someday I will be a teacher.
I used to think that I wanted to be a teacher. Many people told me I'm great with kids and have a natural gift for teaching and explaining things. Maybe that's true...maybe it's not. I have spent a lot of time in the classroom, but sometimes I wonder about my patience level. I can easily get frustrated when I need to explain things over and over to the same person. Maybe teaching isn't my cup of tea. On the other hand...explaining something to someone so they can understand how something functions and seeing their reaction is incredible. At the end of the day, I love my work.
My Grandma is nearing 80 and I'm amazed at her progress. She sends emails, scans pictures and does nearly everything the average computer user does. When I told her I was able to find her a free computer (new to her, but three years old) she was elated! Excited enough that she decided to buy a new keyboard. :) So, I'm spending my Thanksgiving weekend working, but it's well worth the few hours on my part to make sure my Grandma can do everything she wants and needs to do on her computer. Windows 7 is certainly going to be a learning curve (she's prepared herself by purchasing a Windows 7 for Dummies book), but in the end I think she will be happier.
Her response is a reminder that while people may not show me that same response at work, that it doesn't mean I didn't do my work well or that I didn't resolve their problems or answer all their questions. It's important to teach no matter what field you're in. No one is intuitive and you can't expect anyone to know exactly what's going on. And if you've been explaining things over and over, then it's time to change tactics. Maybe someday I will be a teacher.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
A Weekend Well Spent!
This weekend was well spent! I drove to Leavenworth, WA after work on Friday for a weekend of camping and summer theater in the mountains.
A beautiful drive...reminds me of highway 12 as it snakes along the Selway River. It's been pretty grey on this side of the mountains lately and when I got up and over Steven's Pass, it was like morning all over again. The sky was so bright and blue! Quite the change from the grey overcast stuff I had left that afternoon/evening.
I enjoyed a nice morning of shopping, an afternoon of golf (putting green - 18 holes - somehow my mom had the best score...) and an evening of Singing in the Rain at the Leavenworth Summer Theater out by the fish hatchery. Leavenworth has a great setting for outdoor theater...I really enjoyed the stage version of Singing in the Rain and perhaps in another four years I'll make it back to Leavenworth for another show. Leavenworth is certainly a cool town to visit, but I can only take in so much "Bavaria" before I get tired. I'm set for the next few years. Next time I'll try floating down the river though...There were quite a few people out on the water yesterday. I was a little jealous, but it was nice to get some sun on the golf course.
As always, time with my parents was welcome and enjoyable. They are both quick to tease and full of life. If you ever get the chance to meet them you'll love them. I sure do!
With that, I leave you with a picture of The Gingerbread Factory in Leavenworth. You must taste their gingerbread cookies! Delish!
-Cheers!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Adoption
Why is it people just automatically assume that someone who's been adopted is different? That somehow, that person isn't really family or loved the same because there's a lack of genetic connection?
Growing up I was always asked what it was like to be adopted. To be honest, it made me mad. Why would you assume it's different? I have two parents who love me. I have two brothers who love me. I have extended family that loves me. What makes that different from any child born into a family? My mom and dad both look at me as though I am theirs...full of love. Why is there so much stigma.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she mentioned that one of our mutual friend's has an adopted sister. She made it sound like this girl was different...not that she wasn't part of the family, but like a lower level sibling or something. That may not have been her intention at all, but somehow...I feel like she could never accept a child not born of her own womb as her own. She'd still love the child, but would not accept the child in the same way. Bullshit. It's not like spouses are genetically related to each of us...and yet we love them with all of our hearts like we can't ever imagine life without them. Yes, the realtionship between a spouse versus a parent and child are different...but why do people think the love is different?
IT'S THE SAME! For those of you who are wondering. There is no difference.
Studies have repeatedly shown that to a parent or to a family there's no difference. Sure, adopted kids have issues...who doesn't have issues? Adopted children often struggle with the feeling of abandonment...that our birthparents didn't want us or love us. In truth, our birth parents loved us enough to realize that they couldn't care of us the way we needed to be cared for and loved. In steps the couple who can...the couple who wants to love and care for a child they themselves couldn't have. In my parents' case, it's because my mom couldn't physically have children. What a blessing. I'm sure we have caused my parents quite a few headaches through the years. Health problems, us not being treated fairly (people are actually still quite racist in the U.S. whether they realize it or not) or whatever other issue came up. Sometimes I hate talking about adoption to women...mostly women because they feel like there's this bond between a mother after she's had a child. I'm sure there's a bond...there's also a bond between my mother and I that will never be broken. Go figure.
So tell me...where's the difference? Is it the fact that I don't look like my mom? Because I sure as heck sound like my mom. In fact I have the same vocal pitch that my mom has, the same awful, loud laugh of my father's and the same dry humor that my dad has. I have all the quirks of my parents as well as all the wonderful traits. Is my family any different from yours? Probably not. We have similar family issues...but our family is close and we're all we have. I wouldn't change things for the world and I know my parents wouldn't have their family or life any other way.
Adoption comes with its own set of issues. I'm not naive enough to think that things are perfect. But what family is perfect and what parent does things the right way? What child is ever what a parent would expect? That doesn't change the fact that families are families no matter how they're brought together. Adoption. Remarriage. By Birth.
Growing up I was always asked what it was like to be adopted. To be honest, it made me mad. Why would you assume it's different? I have two parents who love me. I have two brothers who love me. I have extended family that loves me. What makes that different from any child born into a family? My mom and dad both look at me as though I am theirs...full of love. Why is there so much stigma.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she mentioned that one of our mutual friend's has an adopted sister. She made it sound like this girl was different...not that she wasn't part of the family, but like a lower level sibling or something. That may not have been her intention at all, but somehow...I feel like she could never accept a child not born of her own womb as her own. She'd still love the child, but would not accept the child in the same way. Bullshit. It's not like spouses are genetically related to each of us...and yet we love them with all of our hearts like we can't ever imagine life without them. Yes, the realtionship between a spouse versus a parent and child are different...but why do people think the love is different?
IT'S THE SAME! For those of you who are wondering. There is no difference.
Studies have repeatedly shown that to a parent or to a family there's no difference. Sure, adopted kids have issues...who doesn't have issues? Adopted children often struggle with the feeling of abandonment...that our birthparents didn't want us or love us. In truth, our birth parents loved us enough to realize that they couldn't care of us the way we needed to be cared for and loved. In steps the couple who can...the couple who wants to love and care for a child they themselves couldn't have. In my parents' case, it's because my mom couldn't physically have children. What a blessing. I'm sure we have caused my parents quite a few headaches through the years. Health problems, us not being treated fairly (people are actually still quite racist in the U.S. whether they realize it or not) or whatever other issue came up. Sometimes I hate talking about adoption to women...mostly women because they feel like there's this bond between a mother after she's had a child. I'm sure there's a bond...there's also a bond between my mother and I that will never be broken. Go figure.
So tell me...where's the difference? Is it the fact that I don't look like my mom? Because I sure as heck sound like my mom. In fact I have the same vocal pitch that my mom has, the same awful, loud laugh of my father's and the same dry humor that my dad has. I have all the quirks of my parents as well as all the wonderful traits. Is my family any different from yours? Probably not. We have similar family issues...but our family is close and we're all we have. I wouldn't change things for the world and I know my parents wouldn't have their family or life any other way.
Adoption comes with its own set of issues. I'm not naive enough to think that things are perfect. But what family is perfect and what parent does things the right way? What child is ever what a parent would expect? That doesn't change the fact that families are families no matter how they're brought together. Adoption. Remarriage. By Birth.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Family
You gotta love family, but man! Sometimes they can do some hurtful things without meaning to. Like playing board games. You'd think it was harmless fun...maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Either way though, it felt like my family was making fun of me. Little comments here and there about making poor choices, confusing people and doing the wrong thing. It all built up during a game of monopoly and I lost it. I started crying and went to my room.
Everyone came and apologized after I left the room mid-game, but it's hard to go back when you can hear them talking about the whole episode down the hall in the other room. I'm supposed to go back and join them for a viewing of Kung Fu Panda and I'm sure I'll make it back to the room. I just need a few minutes to clear my head.
Sigh...makes me wonder how many times I think I'm doing something harmless when it really is hurtful. Like all of the teasing I do. Makes one think...are the things I am doing and saying helping a person and making them feel loved or are they hurting those that I love?
Everyone came and apologized after I left the room mid-game, but it's hard to go back when you can hear them talking about the whole episode down the hall in the other room. I'm supposed to go back and join them for a viewing of Kung Fu Panda and I'm sure I'll make it back to the room. I just need a few minutes to clear my head.
Sigh...makes me wonder how many times I think I'm doing something harmless when it really is hurtful. Like all of the teasing I do. Makes one think...are the things I am doing and saying helping a person and making them feel loved or are they hurting those that I love?
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