Where did my heart go, part two.

There's a post from earlier about my heart and how I had this disconnect between my head and what I know...and the feelings I have for what I believe. I'm not exactly a person who shows all their emotions and often masks them from other people. To me it's often easier this way.

Anyway, I'm not sure what entirely put me on this path to being happy (I am right now and I started having feelings again for what I believe). I've questioned just about everyone I trust. By trust I mean someone who I know won't change their opinion of me at the end of the day because of my doubts, unbelief...failures...skepticism...the things that maybe I don't want to be known for for the rest of my life. I can't say that all of them know me well either...some I've just met...some I've never met in person, but decided to ask based on their blogs. Each person gave me a different answer...things to think about.

But I realized while I was searching, that the only reason I was searching was so that I could feel good again. Isn't that a little selfish? My search was all about me and how I was feeling. It had nothing to do with God and my desire to love Him. It was my desire to feel good about myself. All of a sudden things cleared up for me. I'm not saying I have an easier time praying or reading my Bible. I'm by far one of the worst disciplined people you'll meet when it comes to doing daily things to grow in my belief. Nonetheless...things made sense when I started approaching them as God would...not as myself and my selfish desires and intentions, but as God would in turning the other cheek, forgiving those who have wronged me and consistently showing love to everyone around me.

My heart is starting to come back in bits and pieces. There's still some healing to do...I still have a hard time handing God the reigns because I have a hard time trusting that things will be okay. It's a daily struggle...I've certainly been blessed these past 5 years, but I've also had some of my biggest struggles. Struggles with family, my

"To be a Christian one must take up his cross, with all its belief in God, trusting those around me...and recognizing that suffering refines us. it refines us to make us better. difficulties and agonizing and tension-packed content, and carry it until that very cross leaves its mark upon us and redeems us to that more excellent way which comes only
through suffering." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

I like this quote. He's saying that the hardships and the things that we suffer redeem us and make us better. I'm not entirely sure how we're refined and I'm not saying I enjoy it. I hate pain. I hate hurting...it's hard to see someone you care about destroy their life and not have the power to intervene. I often am sitting on the sidelines watching...and it pains me so much. Why do these things have to happen? Why do people get killed for no good reason? Why do people do drugs? Why do people get terminal diseases? Why do people get made fun of for their race?

This life isn't fair. I want it to be...I want it to be fair so badly. but this life isn't. Nor will it be. This is what we have and we do our best to make it better. This is why I often have a disconnect. i want a better life for everyone. I don't want there to be poverty. I don't want people to not have medical care. but it happens...in a country that consumes the majority of the world's resources...we can't get every one universal healthcare, food for everyone who's hungry and shelter for those who have no homes. We don't bind up wounds or take care of the Widow and the orphan. But as a country, we have the resources to do so....WHY is it not better then?! Why is it so hard to come together and take care of each other? Why is it hard for Americans to live in community with each other and trust that their neighbors and their friends will come through for them when needed?

This is my disconnect and my frustration with God and with people. Things don't work perfectly and it's frustrating. It eats me up inside that I know that this is the way the world works, but my heart won't accept it. Or that God is who He says He is and He loves everyone...but still people suffer.

My heart has a hard time following. I will always have a disconnect. But I started having a love for God that I haven't known in years.

This is one of my more random posts...I do apologize for it turning into a rant at the end.

Community

What does it mean to be a community? Especially as it relates to those around you? What about as a church body?

"Communis comes from a combination of the Latin prefix com- (which means "together") and the word munis probably originally derived from the Etruscan word munis- (meaning "to have the charge of"). Traditionally a "community" has been defined as a group of interacting people living in a common location. The word is often used to refer to a group that is organized around common values and social cohesion within a shared geographical location, generally in social units larger than a household. The word can also refer to the national community or global community." (Wikipedia)

Community is obviously important to us humans. No one wants to be alone no matter what their religious beliefs. At the end of the day, no one wants to go home to an empty house or to not be around friends. Those who think they do are kidding themselves.

I've been invited to join a church plant who's primary focus is going to be missions in the city and community as a body and with those in the surrounding neighborhood. A lot of churches reinforce community among their believers, but sometimes there are closed doors. We as people create these doors because we prefer to socialize with those who are most similar to ourselves. Similar to our education, similar in our upbringing and similar in our beliefs. How hard it is to break this mold and be surrounded by people who aren't like ourselves.

I can't remember the last time I openly talked to a non-believer friend about my faith. I've done mission work, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't see that as an important aspect of my faith, but the reality of me stepping out of my comfort zone, confronting someone else or doing something that may rub the other the wrong way is not exciting to me. It's something I'll avoid if possible. I don't enjoy talking about my faith sometimes....writing about it is one thing (I have time to figure out what I want to say and collect my thoughts), talking about it doesn't always give me that freedom. I often prefer to show people what I believe by doing something. Anyway, when it comes to talking about our faith there is a level of trust that must be achieved. This is only built when we're in relationship with one another. This relationship is the community...the common bond. When we care about each other we start listening, caring and heaven forbid, sharing our secrets. We open up to others in ways we never thought possible. At least, that's my experience.

I often hold onto things and hide my grievances with God from other people. I hide my sins and I hide who I truly am at times. I'm a sinner...I do bad things, I can hurt other people and I let people down. But we all do that. We're all beautiful letdowns and I say Beautiful because that's what we all are. We're beauitful in the sense of being created in His Image and as God said in Genesis, He was pleased with creation! He didn't just say it was good, but VERY GOOD! Building up that trust takes a lot of time...this I know. It's taken years for some of my closest friends to really know me. I don't open up easily about my personal life. There are some things I could talk about till the cows come home and others I refuse to share. But those things I refuse to share often become burdens that I carry alone. I do it alone. That's not how it should be and it's hard to get away from that model. The community, your friends, the people you trust are and should be capable of sharing the burden. This is how we're designed. That is the life God meant for us.

What keeps us then from being that? What keeps us from sharing? Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the consequences. Fear of people being disappointed. Fear of rejection. How then can this be overcome? Is the answer through community? Relationships with each other? Will that make me trust you more? Will that make you trust me more?

Teh Internets

So my parents disable the internet every evening in their home in order to keep my oldest brother from playing online games (WOW) all night long. I suppose it's a good thing, but it's also frustrating to me.

Not only do they have an ISP filter that blocks Flickr, but they turn the router off so I can't chat online to friends, facebook, dink around and overall, just entertain myself when I'm bored at night and my other brother has taken over the TV. The joys of being the youngest!

Kind of sucks that my parents have to resort to turning off teh internets every evening. I can understand the mentality behind it and it probably is a good thing for my oldest brother. I suppose it's a kick in the butt for me as well. It means I should be off reading a book or magazine; socializing with the family rather than doing everything online in a virtual world. It's the same concept of what they want my oldest brother to do. Get out and do something....interact with people.

Who knew human interaction is so important to our mental health and ability to be happy beings. God designed us this way. Cool, huh?!? The fact that we need community and the relationships that we form are things that can make us happy and feel good. We an buy things online, chat online, Skype or whatever, but nothing compares to the face-to-face interaction. Even talking on the phone these last few days with all of my friends has been more comforting than chatting online.