I have a lot of time on my hands now that I'm done with school. I can't decide if this means I should start studying for the GMAT to get into the MBA program...blah...homework...or if I should look into buying a condo so I can do housework...or something else. Perhaps pick up a new instrument or something. I'm starting to get a little bored at home...and I have very few nights at home already.
I feel like I need something to work on...learning new piano pieces has helped me get by for awhile now, but it's time for something new and exciting. More school? Homeownership? Travel? Instrument? But what...I realize I can be a bit lazy at times so starting school/studying doesn't sound entirely pleasing to me, but once I'm in a class I enjoy the work. Hmmm...
Welp, the weekend has been quite nice...a Show on Friday night in Ballard...a trip to the SAM on Saturday and a relaxing Sunday. I really can't complain here...especially with all the sun. It's cold...but the sun just makes these cold days that much better. :)
Showing posts with label dilemma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dilemma. Show all posts
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
News Flash or Update...whatever you want to call it
I haven't played in years...the last time I played I was doing 4 or 5 on a side soccer with girls. I haven't played a full field with 11 players in awhile. But I'm totally stoked for my first game on Monday. I know it won't be anything like the competitive soccer I played growing up, but it will still be a lot of fun and a good learning experience.
The team's name is Yo Mamma's Cleats and we're playing Co-Ed Division 5A soccer. Which means we're kind of competitive I think...not the types that have never played before. hmmm...Should be an interesting season. Games go through November and hopefully those who are playing this year will want to continue on in the years to come. :)
In other news...It's a three day weekend for me. Which translates to...time to clean and make my apartment look nice. Elisa is coming to visit this weekend. There's an opportunity to take pictures at the Korea Cultural Festival tomorrow...Sunday is hiking day. I think I just might die going up Granite Mtn, but who cares? I get to spend the day with my dad! He's driving all the way over from Idaho just for a day hike. I'm sure he'll be exhuasted but we're both pretty excited. Dave and Josh are coming too! It will be a great day and the weather is supposed to be nice and sunny all weekend long.
The start of school is just around the corner. I'm not ready, but I don't think I've ever really been prepared for what the new year brings. There are new faces, new problems to be solved and this year, add a team merge in and things will just be exciting and unpredictable.
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Today is also the anniversary of those terrible attacks 8 years ago. 9/11. What sad numbers. Forever attached to something that still haunts us all. I remember that day well, I was living in Minnesota at the time and about to take a biology test. Someone came in to tell us the news, but we continued on with the test anyway. When class was over I went to English next and from that point on the TV was on the rest of the day in all of my classes.
Seeing the footage was surreal. I kept thinking that can't be real...it's like the movies. But no...planes crashed, buildings collapsed and people died. These things have happened all over the world but never in the U.S. We were all shocked that something like this could ever happen to us. In fact, today when I see news about terrible things abroad...it still doesn't register the same way 9/11 did. It's a world away.
The event brought up a lot of quesitons about God and religion. For awhile it seemed that we were all clinging to something that would make sense...something that would explain these events. Many of us probably didn't get an answer or we didn't get one that satisfied us and made the pain go away. I know I hate it when that happens and I'm sure everyone else does too. It's a daily struggle to believe in something or someone that doesn't give me the answers and reasons I want to hear.
The problem of evil is something I ponder often. I still don't understand why evil exists...why people get hurt and why people who do nothing wrong suffer while some who do everything wrong receive great things. It's upside down isn't it? Someone I knew in college just received word that his cancer came back. I cry when I think about what he's going through right now. It's certainly not fair. I don't know what the larger plan is, but I think there is one. God can turn something bad into something good even if the results aren't right now. I have hope for something better and something more. There is something more isn't there?
The team's name is Yo Mamma's Cleats and we're playing Co-Ed Division 5A soccer. Which means we're kind of competitive I think...not the types that have never played before. hmmm...Should be an interesting season. Games go through November and hopefully those who are playing this year will want to continue on in the years to come. :)
In other news...It's a three day weekend for me. Which translates to...time to clean and make my apartment look nice. Elisa is coming to visit this weekend. There's an opportunity to take pictures at the Korea Cultural Festival tomorrow...Sunday is hiking day. I think I just might die going up Granite Mtn, but who cares? I get to spend the day with my dad! He's driving all the way over from Idaho just for a day hike. I'm sure he'll be exhuasted but we're both pretty excited. Dave and Josh are coming too! It will be a great day and the weather is supposed to be nice and sunny all weekend long.
The start of school is just around the corner. I'm not ready, but I don't think I've ever really been prepared for what the new year brings. There are new faces, new problems to be solved and this year, add a team merge in and things will just be exciting and unpredictable.
----
Today is also the anniversary of those terrible attacks 8 years ago. 9/11. What sad numbers. Forever attached to something that still haunts us all. I remember that day well, I was living in Minnesota at the time and about to take a biology test. Someone came in to tell us the news, but we continued on with the test anyway. When class was over I went to English next and from that point on the TV was on the rest of the day in all of my classes.
Seeing the footage was surreal. I kept thinking that can't be real...it's like the movies. But no...planes crashed, buildings collapsed and people died. These things have happened all over the world but never in the U.S. We were all shocked that something like this could ever happen to us. In fact, today when I see news about terrible things abroad...it still doesn't register the same way 9/11 did. It's a world away.
The event brought up a lot of quesitons about God and religion. For awhile it seemed that we were all clinging to something that would make sense...something that would explain these events. Many of us probably didn't get an answer or we didn't get one that satisfied us and made the pain go away. I know I hate it when that happens and I'm sure everyone else does too. It's a daily struggle to believe in something or someone that doesn't give me the answers and reasons I want to hear.
The problem of evil is something I ponder often. I still don't understand why evil exists...why people get hurt and why people who do nothing wrong suffer while some who do everything wrong receive great things. It's upside down isn't it? Someone I knew in college just received word that his cancer came back. I cry when I think about what he's going through right now. It's certainly not fair. I don't know what the larger plan is, but I think there is one. God can turn something bad into something good even if the results aren't right now. I have hope for something better and something more. There is something more isn't there?
Monday, June 29, 2009
Where did my heart go, part two.
There's a post from earlier about my heart and how I had this disconnect between my head and what I know...and the feelings I have for what I believe. I'm not exactly a person who shows all their emotions and often masks them from other people. To me it's often easier this way.Anyway, I'm not sure what entirely put me on this path to being happy (I am right now and I started having feelings again for what I believe). I've questioned just about everyone I trust. By trust I mean someone who I know won't change their opinion of me at the end of the day because of my doubts, unbelief...failures...skepticism...the things that maybe I don't want to be known for for the rest of my life. I can't say that all of them know me well either...some I've just met...some I've never met in person, but decided to ask based on their blogs. Each person gave me a different answer...things to think about.
But I realized while I was searching, that the only reason I was searching was so that I could feel good again. Isn't that a little selfish? My search was all about me and how I was feeling. It had nothing to do with God and my desire to love Him. It was my desire to feel good about myself. All of a sudden things cleared up for me. I'm not saying I have an easier time praying or reading my Bible. I'm by far one of the worst disciplined people you'll meet when it comes to doing daily things to grow in my belief. Nonetheless...things made sense when I started approaching them as God would...not as myself and my selfish desires and intentions, but as God would in turning the other cheek, forgiving those who have wronged me and consistently showing love to everyone around me.
My heart is starting to come back in bits and pieces. There's still some healing to do...I still have a hard time handing God the reigns because I have a hard time trusting that things will be okay. It's a daily struggle...I've certainly been blessed these past 5 years, but I've also had some of my biggest struggles. Struggles with family, my
"To be a Christian one must take up his cross, with all its belief in God, trusting those around me...and recognizing that suffering refines us. it refines us to make us better. difficulties and agonizing and tension-packed content, and carry it until that very cross leaves its mark upon us and redeems us to that more excellent way which comes only
through suffering." ~Martin Luther King Jr.
I like this quote. He's saying that the hardships and the things that we suffer redeem us and make us better. I'm not entirely sure how we're refined and I'm not saying I enjoy it. I hate pain. I hate hurting...it's hard to see someone you care about destroy their life and not have the power to intervene. I often am sitting on the sidelines watching...and it pains me so much. Why do these things have to happen? Why do people get killed for no good reason? Why do people do drugs? Why do people get terminal diseases? Why do people get made fun of for their race?
This life isn't fair. I want it to be...I want it to be fair so badly. but this life isn't. Nor will it be. This is what we have and we do our best to make it better. This is why I often have a disconnect. i want a better life for everyone. I don't want there to be poverty. I don't want people to not have medical care. but it happens...in a country that consumes the majority of the world's resources...we can't get every one universal healthcare, food for everyone who's hungry and shelter for those who have no homes. We don't bind up wounds or take care of the Widow and the orphan. But as a country, we have the resources to do so....WHY is it not better then?! Why is it so hard to come together and take care of each other? Why is it hard for Americans to live in community with each other and trust that their neighbors and their friends will come through for them when needed?
This is my disconnect and my frustration with God and with people. Things don't work perfectly and it's frustrating. It eats me up inside that I know that this is the way the world works, but my heart won't accept it. Or that God is who He says He is and He loves everyone...but still people suffer.
My heart has a hard time following. I will always have a disconnect. But I started having a love for God that I haven't known in years.
This is one of my more random posts...I do apologize for it turning into a rant at the end.
Image
What is it about our self-image that makes us desire approval from everyone around us? As much as I'd like to think that I don't care about what people think about me, it's probably not totally true. I'm not exactly a WYSIWYG person...in that I'm complex and I'll surprise you.
When I let people down I take it hard too. I try so hard to make people happy or proud of me that I'm often afraid that if and when I do fail that people will only see me for the failure and not as the person I truly am. It doesn't leave room for mistakes and it's a tough place to be.
It makes me realize I have some work ahead of me. My brother usually reminds me that that I shouldnt care. He always says "Fuck 'em all, Karen. It doesn't matter what they think about you. You should want their approval. Do things for yourself and do things that make you happy."
It's a correct statement to a point...Do the things that make me happy. If I do that...it's almost like giving me free reign to not care about other people's feelings or well-being.
Sometimes I get tired of bending over backwards for people...yes, I'm a people pleaser to the core. I will do what it takes to make sure people are happy and taken care of. It's important to me...but I'm sure there's a limit somewhere...there's a limit to what I can do. And yet the image I project of myself is that of a person who's happy to do whatever...when at times I'm really not happy. In fact, I'm a grumpy little b. Dare I let people know how I really feel? Would that really help the situation or my dilemma?
When I let people down I take it hard too. I try so hard to make people happy or proud of me that I'm often afraid that if and when I do fail that people will only see me for the failure and not as the person I truly am. It doesn't leave room for mistakes and it's a tough place to be.
It makes me realize I have some work ahead of me. My brother usually reminds me that that I shouldnt care. He always says "Fuck 'em all, Karen. It doesn't matter what they think about you. You should want their approval. Do things for yourself and do things that make you happy."
It's a correct statement to a point...Do the things that make me happy. If I do that...it's almost like giving me free reign to not care about other people's feelings or well-being.
Sometimes I get tired of bending over backwards for people...yes, I'm a people pleaser to the core. I will do what it takes to make sure people are happy and taken care of. It's important to me...but I'm sure there's a limit somewhere...there's a limit to what I can do. And yet the image I project of myself is that of a person who's happy to do whatever...when at times I'm really not happy. In fact, I'm a grumpy little b. Dare I let people know how I really feel? Would that really help the situation or my dilemma?
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