Not that funny

I saw this image pop up in my news feed and it made me angry and sad. Why is it amusing and funny and mean to tell some you're adopted? There are plenty of people who are adopted and the lack of blood line or appearance makes no difference in whether or not you are part of the family. Certainly, that's not always the case...but where does the insult you're adopted come from? Why is it an insult that people still use today?

National Adoption Month

It's National Adoption Month all this month (November). So in honor of this wonderful month, I'm going to be sharing my adoption story tomorrow evening at Bethany Community Church (Greenlake neighborhood). I'm actually one of three adult adoptees who will be sharing and answering questions. This talk is sponsored by the Adoption & Foster Care Ministry group at Bethany and will meet there around 7:00 p.m. If you're interested in attending or would like to hear my thoughts or story, please email me me or contact me through one of the methods above in the navigation bar.

There are many children in the US or in the world who don't have parents or extended family who can take care of them or provide a permanent safe home filled with all the love and care children should have. If you don't know anything about adoption, then this is your chance to learn! Hooray for National Adoption Month!! http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/

저는 장소영 입니다

My name is 장소영 (Jang So Yeong). My name is also Karen. I'm learning Korean, but I'm starting to feel like I have a split personality. Maybe this will go away after I start to feel more comfortable with the Korean language and culture. But right now...I feel like I'm two separate people who haven't met yet.

There's something missing...a link of sorts that will connect the two together. I can't quite put my finger on it yet...For now...call me Karen or 소영...I'll try to answer to both. ^^

My Identity

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on the topic of identity. My thoughts have been all over the place and what I write in this post will probably be the same. I'm a transracial adoptee. Meaning, I'm ethincally one thing and culturally another. I don't fully fit into my ethnic identity and I don't fully fit into my cultural identity. Lately, I've been trying to figure out how the two fit together...or if they even fit together at all.

I'm a Korean. I was born in Yeosu, Joellanam-do, South Korea. When you look at me you will see a Korean or an Asian if you can't tell the difference. I get treated differently based on my appearance and it can be incredibly frustrating at times. Sometimes people think I'm brand new to the U.S. and talk to me loudly and slowly. I get funny looks. I've been called names too. All because I look like I'm not from here.

A lady here in Seattle saw me eating lunch in a park. She walked up to me and without introduction stated talking to me quite loudly and slowly. She wanted to make sure I knew about the park behind me that had beautiful gardens. I've been in the gardens before. When she started doing that, I didn't really know how to respond. So I politely told her that when I finished my lunch, I'd take a look at the garden. Boy was she surprised. She didn't even say good-bye. She was so startled that she just walked away from me. I'm sure she wasn't meaning to be malicious. The woman was only trying to be helpful. But by attempting to help me like that, she also became insensitive and made an assumption about who I am based on how I look. I look like a Korean. Therefore, I must be fresh off the boat and must not speak English very well.

I grew up in Idaho. I am culturally an Idahoan...and American or maybe even a hick. I have lived in the states since I was three and a half months old. Yes, MONTHS. I have no memories of Korea. Everything I remember is of growing up in Idaho. Sometimes I want to go back because it's where people "know" me. Not because I'm known as a Korean or that one Asian girl, but because I'm known as Karen. I lived in Idaho for 13+ years and people knew who I was. I wasn't labelled as being any one specific thing.

When I took a trip back to Korea in 2003, I felt really out of place. Almost like I was deficient because I didn't know the language or the culture. No matter how hard I tried to fit in while I was there and blend in, people either could peg me right away as an American or were pitying me because I was an adoptee. It was amost like I was doing a disservice to myself by not knowing my culture and not learning my language. That...I should be learning Korean and learning about my culture because ethincally I'm Korean. Sometimes, when I meet Koreans who are culturally Korean I am told that I should do certain things to be more Korean like. At times I feel like that goes against who I actually am. That it's forcing me to choose one over the other.

I never knew other adoptees growing up outside of my brothers. I knew of other adoptees, but I never really got the chance to get to know them on a more personal level. My older brothers are also adopted, but I don't think they necessarily have the same identity questions because there isn't another ethnicity involved.

I've always wondered based on my childhood and where I'm at now, where I actually fit in and who I fit in with. I've always struggled with the fact that I want people to know me as Karen...to know me as me and not as these labels. I don't want to be known as a Korean Adoptee, an Idahoan, an Asian, or that girl that fixes computers. I want people to know me as Karen. Those labels or facets of my life are only a small portion of who I am and sometimes I wish people didn't focus on them as much as they do.

This past week I attended a dinner for Asian Adult Adoptees of Washington (AAAW). How incredible! I was the youngest person in attendance, but each person at that table has had a similar experience or had similar questions about who they are as individuals. I had always felt like I was the only one with this story because of the fact that there aren't resources like this in Lewiston and there aren't many other adoptees in the area. I was amazed at how quickly I felt like I fit in and that I had a community. I've always worried about whether or not I'll fit in or if someone will like me when I attend something new. I can be fairly self conscious at times because I didn't like sticking out when I was growing up. I wanted to be like everyone else...and that at times I think, included being white. While I was driving to the dinner I was praying over and over in my head..."Please let there be at least one person I can talk to. Someone who can relate to me. I don't know what I'll do if that doesn't happen..."

Amazingly...God put 11 (maybe 12) people who are just like me and have something that they can relate to with me, in front of me at dinner. 12 people at dinner to talk to about life, my experiences and my questions. People who know what it feels like to be adopted and what it's like to not look like everyone else.

I love my family. I love where I came from. I wouldn't change anything about that ever. God blessed me with an incredible set of parents and two wonderful older brothers. Even my extended family is amazing. I couldn't ask for anything better. In spite of these wonderful people and the wonderful childhood I had because of these people, I still felt different. Not that I was unloved...I have never felt unloved. I've just kind of felt like I was alone at times. That there's no one else in the world who's going to understand how I felt because they have a different perspective from me. I know God will understand, but having someone to talk to and share stuff with is important too...having community is important.

I know that being an adoptee is only a fraction of who I am and the type of person that I want to be. I know that it changes nothing about who loves me. However, it changes the way I see myself in the mirror. I'm beginning to love all of me - my ethnic and cultural identity. I'm beginning to understand both of them and how the two of them work and affect the way we view ourselves, our surroundings, the people in our lives and the world. When I become more aware of myeslf, I can love myself more and I can become more genuine and open with people. This is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I'm curious to see where this journey will take me...this path that God has set before me.

Adoption

Why is it people just automatically assume that someone who's been adopted is different? That somehow, that person isn't really family or loved the same because there's a lack of genetic connection?

Growing up I was always asked what it was like to be adopted. To be honest, it made me mad. Why would you assume it's different? I have two parents who love me. I have two brothers who love me. I have extended family that loves me. What makes that different from any child born into a family? My mom and dad both look at me as though I am theirs...full of love. Why is there so much stigma.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she mentioned that one of our mutual friend's has an adopted sister. She made it sound like this girl was different...not that she wasn't part of the family, but like a lower level sibling or something. That may not have been her intention at all, but somehow...I feel like she could never accept a child not born of her own womb as her own. She'd still love the child, but would not accept the child in the same way. Bullshit. It's not like spouses are genetically related to each of us...and yet we love them with all of our hearts like we can't ever imagine life without them. Yes, the realtionship between a spouse versus a parent and child are different...but why do people think the love is different?

IT'S THE SAME! For those of you who are wondering. There is no difference.

Studies have repeatedly shown that to a parent or to a family there's no difference. Sure, adopted kids have issues...who doesn't have issues? Adopted children often struggle with the feeling of abandonment...that our birthparents didn't want us or love us. In truth, our birth parents loved us enough to realize that they couldn't care of us the way we needed to be cared for and loved. In steps the couple who can...the couple who wants to love and care for a child they themselves couldn't have. In my parents' case, it's because my mom couldn't physically have children. What a blessing. I'm sure we have caused my parents quite a few headaches through the years. Health problems, us not being treated fairly (people are actually still quite racist in the U.S. whether they realize it or not) or whatever other issue came up. Sometimes I hate talking about adoption to women...mostly women because they feel like there's this bond between a mother after she's had a child. I'm sure there's a bond...there's also a bond between my mother and I that will never be broken. Go figure.

So tell me...where's the difference? Is it the fact that I don't look like my mom? Because I sure as heck sound like my mom. In fact I have the same vocal pitch that my mom has, the same awful, loud laugh of my father's and the same dry humor that my dad has. I have all the quirks of my parents as well as all the wonderful traits. Is my family any different from yours? Probably not. We have similar family issues...but our family is close and we're all we have. I wouldn't change things for the world and I know my parents wouldn't have their family or life any other way.

Adoption comes with its own set of issues. I'm not naive enough to think that things are perfect. But what family is perfect and what parent does things the right way? What child is ever what a parent would expect? That doesn't change the fact that families are families no matter how they're brought together. Adoption. Remarriage. By Birth.