Monday, June 29, 2009

Where did my heart go, part two.

There's a post from earlier about my heart and how I had this disconnect between my head and what I know...and the feelings I have for what I believe. I'm not exactly a person who shows all their emotions and often masks them from other people. To me it's often easier this way.

Anyway, I'm not sure what entirely put me on this path to being happy (I am right now and I started having feelings again for what I believe). I've questioned just about everyone I trust. By trust I mean someone who I know won't change their opinion of me at the end of the day because of my doubts, unbelief...failures...skepticism...the things that maybe I don't want to be known for for the rest of my life. I can't say that all of them know me well either...some I've just met...some I've never met in person, but decided to ask based on their blogs. Each person gave me a different answer...things to think about.

But I realized while I was searching, that the only reason I was searching was so that I could feel good again. Isn't that a little selfish? My search was all about me and how I was feeling. It had nothing to do with God and my desire to love Him. It was my desire to feel good about myself. All of a sudden things cleared up for me. I'm not saying I have an easier time praying or reading my Bible. I'm by far one of the worst disciplined people you'll meet when it comes to doing daily things to grow in my belief. Nonetheless...things made sense when I started approaching them as God would...not as myself and my selfish desires and intentions, but as God would in turning the other cheek, forgiving those who have wronged me and consistently showing love to everyone around me.

My heart is starting to come back in bits and pieces. There's still some healing to do...I still have a hard time handing God the reigns because I have a hard time trusting that things will be okay. It's a daily struggle...I've certainly been blessed these past 5 years, but I've also had some of my biggest struggles. Struggles with family, my
"To be a Christian one must take up his cross, with all its belief in God, trusting those around me...and recognizing that suffering refines us. it refines us to make us better. difficulties and agonizing and tension-packed content, and carry it until that very cross leaves its mark upon us and redeems us to that more excellent way which comes only
through suffering." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

I like this quote. He's saying that the hardships and the things that we suffer redeem us and make us better. I'm not entirely sure how we're refined and I'm not saying I enjoy it. I hate pain. I hate's hard to see someone you care about destroy their life and not have the power to intervene. I often am sitting on the sidelines watching...and it pains me so much. Why do these things have to happen? Why do people get killed for no good reason? Why do people do drugs? Why do people get terminal diseases? Why do people get made fun of for their race?

This life isn't fair. I want it to be...I want it to be fair so badly. but this life isn't. Nor will it be. This is what we have and we do our best to make it better. This is why I often have a disconnect. i want a better life for everyone. I don't want there to be poverty. I don't want people to not have medical care. but it a country that consumes the majority of the world's resources...we can't get every one universal healthcare, food for everyone who's hungry and shelter for those who have no homes. We don't bind up wounds or take care of the Widow and the orphan. But as a country, we have the resources to do so....WHY is it not better then?! Why is it so hard to come together and take care of each other? Why is it hard for Americans to live in community with each other and trust that their neighbors and their friends will come through for them when needed?

This is my disconnect and my frustration with God and with people. Things don't work perfectly and it's frustrating. It eats me up inside that I know that this is the way the world works, but my heart won't accept it. Or that God is who He says He is and He loves everyone...but still people suffer.

My heart has a hard time following. I will always have a disconnect. But I started having a love for God that I haven't known in years.

This is one of my more random posts...I do apologize for it turning into a rant at the end.

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